This isn’t about autism. This is about autism.
There was a time when I didn’t know what to do for my daughter, and so I did nothing. I had too many avenues to explore so I explored none. I had too many behaviors to address and so I addressed none. And then I sort of surfaced from the funk I was in and started getting involved as her parent. I may not have known which decision was the right one, but I did my best to figure that out, and then I made that decision; I explored that avenue; I addressed that behavior. I’m not looking for kudos for that, but I wanted to sort of frame the post I’m writing with that as the backdrop.
Because ever since I started getting involved as her parent, and going to meetings and participating in IEP’s and attending therapies or specialist visits or blogging, autism has become the single most discussed topic in our home. And sometimes you need to take a break from autism (the topic, I mean). There are times when I look at my wife across the table and am at a loss as to what to say to her that isn’t autism-related. And that’s not healthy for a marriage.
And it isn’t “autism’s fault”, it’s mine as her husband for having let ANY topic derail the flow of my relationship with my wife, man to woman, instead of just father of autistic child to mother of autistic child.
So it might be easy to “blame” autism, but I blame me. We can talk about other things. We share so many interests. She’s so bright and organized in her thinking, she takes my scattered thoughts and listens to me ramble them out then straightens them and organizes them and replies to them without the extra distractions…which is also why she’s such a pain in the ass to fight with. We are, as we’ve said to each other since we started dating, “A good fit.” She takes the disorder and chaos that is me, processes it, smooths it and it ends up coming out the other side in a clean tidy bundle.
I daresay I’m not the only autism parent who has trouble taking a break from autism (the topic, I mean) long enough to look across the table and remember why he fell in love with his wife.
Valentine’s Day may be the “Hallmark holiday” that detractors claim it is, but it’s also a spectacular arbitrary start date to look across the table at your wife and tell her, quite apart from her handling of her autism parenting duties that you love her. And that you “still fit”.
I love you, Leslie!
(Don’t you wish you had a blog now? This totally counts as my card.)
How cute are you guys! There’s nothing like finding the person that just seems to be made for you, I feel grateful for that every day. And you’re right, it’s so hard to disconnect from talking about autism all the time, but so important to do that.
Look how adorable you two are! Yes, you’re exactly right. It’s too easy to stop being the couple you were. You’re lucky to have found each other; glad you’re doing the work to stay together. Totally a card but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook! Happy V-Day!
I still need the card? DAMMIT!
What a lovely card-substitute! You’re still not off the hook.
On a more serious note… YES. Absolutely, yes. It’s easy to suddenly wake up one day and find yourself looking across the table at the person you know you love and you wonder what you have to talk about anymore because autism (or other special needs) has become the third partner in your relationship. It doesn’t mean it’s over; it means you have to work damn hard to find that place again. TO MAKE that place and the time to strengthen that connection.
Good for you for recognizing it. Also, your wife is beautiful.
yeah, it’s easy to get caught up in everything ELSE.
Yes to it all…to finding the right fit, to finding ways to talk about everything and nothing. It’s why my husband and I spend some late nights mocking the ridiculous basket combinations on “Chopped” or clicking through the trending videos in YouTube. Then suddenly it’s midnight and we haven’t accomplished anything but spending time together. But it’s mindless for the brain and good for the heart.
And I bet my husband totally wishes he had a blog now too. Maybe he’ll send me this post as my card.
He totally should share it with you and paste over the by line.
Great post, Jim!
Thanks, Greg!
Having the right “fit” is so important…and I think that is what helps Hubz and I find time to get “off topic” once in a while. We can see when each other need a break from the topic, and we take time to appreciate the non topic stuff–together.
Great post…and fitting Valentine’s card.
I know the topic isn’t banished, but sometimes it’s a good idea to temporarily put it in “time out”
It is so difficult not to talk about the kids, autism or not, after they are born. I remember very clearly the minute my daughter was born, I was no longer Sarah. I was Charlotte’s mum. And now with James, I am James’s mum. When my husband and I have those rare kid free moments, we are often at a loss as to what else we can talk about. Thank you for starting this thought in my head and I will have to think how to make Thursday special for my first love.
yeah…identity loss!!
I am Grammar-Nazi’ing myself…I should have said “helps Hubs and me”. OK. Carry on…
Great post and love the wedding pic of you and your lovely wife.
Gracias!
Thank you so much for the sweet post and the dedication to us! Our lives are so full and Autism just tends to be the icing on the top. I do know that the opportunity to really “talk” tends to be less and less but it doesn’t help that I am usually passed out by 9:30pm. We hit it off right away many years ago…and we still “fit” today. I would do it all again…especially knowing that I would have you by my side holding my hand, keeping me calm, but most of all making me laugh! You are way funnier than Frank!!
I love you Jim for all that you do but mostly for who you are!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Why do you always throw Frank in my face!!!
I love you too, dollface.
Aww this is a great post Jim and something my husband and I are totally guilty of as well. Any time we have five minutes to talk we have to make a conscious effort not to talk about the kids.
Thanks Jess.
Dammit, JIM! It wasn’t the post that got me so much as Leslie’s comment and your reply. I like you better when I don’t like you.
it’s Frank…he chokes everyone up.
Once again, I am in awe of your eloquent writing and saying it “like it is”. I feel my husband and I are “a good fit” too. We have to derail the “autism train” once in a while to reconnect, but it’s a part of our life and always will be. It sure sounds like you and your beautiful wife compliment eachother very well and you make it work. Marriage is not easy, and then you get blindsided by a child that needs more attention than you ever imagined. I know it has made us stronger as a couple. Happy Valentine’s Day, Love birds
Thank you, Michelle! Happy Valentine’s Day!